It's Okay To Be Excited Again ...

I love working on a new project.  I love to meet a friend for coffee and catch up.  I love cooking and making special snacks for my family.  I love attending bible studies, studying God's word and being in community with others.  These are things I used to get excited about.

Before depression hit a few years ago, I was motivated, engaged, EXCITED to get out there and do all of these things.  I loved life.  One thing I have learned and found interesting since I have come through the other side of depression and have healed is that I lost some of that excitement.  In fact if I'm honest, I lost most of it.  It wasn't that I didn't care anymore, I was just SO glad to be out of the pit of depression that coasting along and staying even was fine with me.  That was success, a check in the win column.  I had often thought and wondered if that's just the way it would be from now on.  If being at that even place was enough for me simply because I knew the deep despair of depression so well and was completely thankful that I was not in THAT place any longer ... was it really enough?

And then just recently something occurred to me.  A thought crossed my mind.  I was getting ready to report back to my school for the new school year and before I went I thought "I'm excited to go back this year."  Almost before I completed the thought I immediately dismissed it.  Dismissed allowing myself to feel the excitement and joy.  Why?  Because after we have hit that low place, whether it is depression, loss, or some other type of tragedy ... We Fear.  Fear that we don't want to experience that kind of hurt, disappointment, sadness or despair again.  Fear that things will go tragically wrong somehow again.  Fear that we will slip into that place we said we'd never go to again.  And so we stay exactly right where we are because at least we know it's safe there.  It's natural and normal to want to protect ourselves.  But if we put that wall up and don't allow ourselves to feel or experience those highs again then we can't live life to the fullest.  Yes, it can be scary ... but I believe it is worth it.

This year I am teaching Bible at my school.  I love studying God's word, learning it and discussing it.  It is a new experience, a new type of project with new opportunities.  And yes, I am very excited about it!  And even though there is a hint of fear in the background, it feels good to be excited and to share that with others.  It is time.

What about you?  Have you been in the same place I have been?  Are you afraid to feel those feelings of motivation and excitement?  Give yourself permission.  Dare to feel deeply, to invest, to laugh, to trust.  

Because it IS okay to be excited again ... and again, and again, and again.

Because You're Headed On a Different Track Now

A Railroad Track Switch.

A train is headed one direction and suddenly, sometimes sharply ... usually with a jolt, the course is changed.

And so it is when depression hits.  Suddenly, so sharply that sometimes you can barely breathe ... everything changes.

The past few months since writing about my initial journey with depression and anxiety, God has revealed so much to me.  In those darkest moments, days and hours, it is easy to wonder if God is there.  The feelings of oppression and sadness and hopelessness are so overwhelming that it is difficult to "feel" God, even if you are deeply rooted in your faith.  But ... He is there.  In the fog, in the storm, in the dark stillness ... He is there.  God is always at work.

And then there is JOY.  Yes, joy.  It is hard to imagine that you will have joy in your heart again.  It is hard to think that you will have new friendships and relationships that are meaningful again.  It is hard to see past the cloud of darkness that you will actually enjoy life again.  But you can and you will.  "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:11

You're just headed on a different track now.  

The track may look a little different.  It's not the way you had things planned out or how you pictured your life to be.  But that's to be expected ... because YOU are different now too.  Depression takes and depletes so many things from our lives.  "The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and that they may have it abundantly." John 10:10  You are not the same person you were before ...

You are on a different track now.

This track may not have the same passengers as before. Maybe some relationships didn't weather the storm well or they just grew apart.  But trust Him.  Oh it's so hard!  And the loss of relationships compounds the loneliness and brings grieving.  But just be patient and wait.  He will bring new life and laughter through new people in your life and maybe even restore old friendships.  The waiting is the hardest part.  It takes time.  Stay close to Him.  Trust Him ...

You are just on a different track now.

The common thread in my life throughout my battle with depression has been my faith in Christ.  I have never let go.  Even when I did not understand, when I did not "feel" Him with me, when I was at my lowest ... I continued to cry out to Him.  And He was there.  He stayed constant.  My faith has carried me through.  When I glance back and see the person I was before depression hit, it's so easy to wish that was me again.  That depression had never taken a hold.  But I have to stay focused on where I am now and trust.  "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I'm just on a different track now.

And so ... headed one direction in life, down one track.  And then something happened.  Maybe it was death, loss, guilt, shame, heartache, sickness or depression.  And then suddenly with a sharp sudden jolt things switched.  The track switched.  It takes a bit of adjustment to make the switch.  You were once going that way and now you are going this way.  It's not always a smooth adjustment or a quick adjustment ... it takes time.  But try to embrace it the best you can.  God has plans for you.  And even though you might not have been prepared for the switch, God was.  He knew ... He knows ... and He can work through you and in you now in ways that weren't possible before.

Because you're headed on a different track now ... and the view ahead looks beautiful.

Read my personal story of depression here ~ http://robinmccartney.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-darkest-shade-of-blue.html

The Darkest Shade of Blue

  
    My favorite time of the day is just as sunset is ending in the evening.  There is a calm, stillness that takes over and the day asks you to take a deep breath and exhale slowly as it comes to an end.  The time is short as the evening moves into night and darkness begins to fall.  And on some nights, this becomes the darkest shade of blue.
     About 3 years ago this spring, I experienced the darkest shade of blue I had ever known.  Blue the shade of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness, and emptiness.  Blue, the dark shade of depression.  My story of depression may be a little bit different than most. I did not have a tragic experience, or the death of a close loved one, or even a difficult upbringing.  In fact, I had quite the opposite.  I was raised in a christian home, experienced a good childhood and teen years, married my college sweetheart and had two beautiful daughters.  Life was good.  MY life was good.  But what I have come to know is that depression does not discriminate.
     I had fought the "winter blues" off and on through the years.  But I had always entered spring with an excitement and happiness that winter was over and the warmer weather was here!  Three years ago was a different story for me.  I could not snap out of it.  I kept thinking things would get better but I slipped further and further into a deep hole of depression.  I wanted desperately to climb out and feel like myself again.  The weeks began to really change for me as we headed into spring.  I could not stop the tears, which was so uncharacteristic of me.  I did not want to go to places where I would be forced to see people, much less talk to them.  I began to isolate myself and I could not wait until I could get back home and into my bed.  As things deteriorated for me, I kept most of it to myself.  Not many people knew I was struggling and hardly anyone knew how bad it had really become.
     By the end of spring, I knew I needed additional help.  I visited with my pastor, consulted a doctor and then a counselor.  These were all good steps and the right steps, but it was going to take some time, there wasn't just an easy fix.  Getting help, healing, growing and beginning to move forward is work.  It is HARD work and nobody can do it for you.  I was at a point where I needed to scale everything down in my life.  This took a lot of thought and a lot of prayer but I really believe it was a key in becoming healthy again.  So I resigned from my job.  Let me rephrase that ... I resigned from the perfect job for me.  I worked at a place that was wonderful, with people I loved, doing what I loved to do.  But I had become unable to function at work and it wasn't fair to anyone.  So I took a BIG step of faith and walked away.  I felt a complete peace from the moment I made that decision and I have never second guessed it.  It was hard, but it was right.
     The next year consisted of going to counseling on a weekly basis, seeing my doctor regularly and getting back to the basics.  The basics for me were things like; laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, daily prayer time and being present with my children and husband when we were together.  I had to start over in many ways and learn how to get through a regular day.  It wasn't easy, and there were definitely setbacks, but there were also slow, steady steps forward.  One day at a time.
     If you have gone through a deep depression then you know that it changes you.  It changes just about every part of you.  For me, it changed my career, my day to day routine, the person I felt like I had been all my life, my personality and finally my friendships and relationships.  I remember saying several times that I wish I had a broken bone or something physically wrong that people could see so they would know there was something broken in me.  It is very difficult for people to know what to say, what to do, how to help and how to walk through the storm of depression alongside you.  Just about all of my friendships and relationships changed and at the time, I did not have the emotional capacity to do anything about it.  By the grace of God, my marriage stayed stable.  That college sweetheart I married is solid, being the spouse of someone who hits this place of depression is so very hard too.
     Slowly, I have been able to rebuild, but just within the last year.  Depression is always something I will need to be mindful of, staying aware of my limits and boundaries.  In many ways I have had to start all over.  I know that there are still challenges ahead, things are not like they used to be for me and there is a grieving that takes place over that part of life.  Things are different.  I am different.  Depression takes hold of so many parts of your inner most self and shuffles it all around.  I am putting the pieces back together again, but this time, the finished product will look a little different.     
     I really do love that time of the evening just after sunset when the calmness and stillness set in just before night.  And yes, sometimes there are still moments when the darkness surrounds me as night falls and I see that darkest shade of blue again.  But I have a hope and the sweetest promise that I cling to ... His mercies are new every morning ... and a new day begins ...

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

Don't Lose Track of Time

Last night as we were eating dinner around the table together, we were having a conversation about technology/social media, etc. and how this effects our family.  This isn't a new conversation for the four of us to have.  In fact we have it quite frequently, probably due to the age of our girls now and how everyone (adults included) are on their phones all the time.  Not too long ago, our church had a series of sermons about this ... Disconnect to Connect.  It has become the catch phrase around our house and we all use it with each other to keep us in check about being present in the moment.  We do relatively well I think.  We have made adjustments the past few months and some agreements with each other about being on our phones.  None of this is anything new and probably not anything new to those of you who are reading.  One of the biggest issues American families now deal with is how to use technology in a healthy way and allow it to be a part of our lives but not control our lives.  It is a difficult task, parenting our children and teens on technology and social media!  Another huge issue for families currently is the pace of life we keep.  We are busy people!  Most of the time for our family, the activities we are involved in are good things, positive things and things that we are choosing to do.  Several years ago, Marc and I made the decision to not do everything or allow our girls to do everything they wanted to do.  We have been those parents, saying no to an extra club team or practice, no to going out to eat again during the week, no to even some church activities because we have tried to protect some of our family time.  And even with saying no to things ... we are still busy, busy, busy!!!  But back to last night at dinner ...


Then Marc said, "I can count up the number of weekends that the four of us have until Macy goes to college and I don't want any of us to regret the way we spent our time."  Before I knew it, each one of us had tears welling in our eyes and starting to stream down our faces.  We have always talked about college a lot in our house.  We have even referenced that Macy has four more years and Mallory has six more years until they can go to college.  And no one has ever been sad about it.  But I think saying something that is a little more tangible to them, like counting our weekends, for some reason hit home with all of us.  We have bonded the past few weeks with the transitions to middle school and high school and relied on each other more and spent even more quality time together.  And I am thankful for that.  It hasn't been the smoothest of transitions for our little family, in fact some of it has been pretty difficult, but we are all in it together. 


We aren't harboring or hung up on the fact that our family time will greatly shift in a few years, but we are mindful of it.  And I think there is value in that.  Do you know what time it is for your family or have you lost track?  Time is a gift.  And when it's time to move on to the next chapter then we will make that shift and move forward.  But until then, we know what time it is at our house ... time to be together.

If Ever There Was A Time To Start A Blog ...

I've thought about writing a blog several times before ... when we had our babies, when we went to Disneyland, when we moved to a new house, and on and on.  And although those are all big events and milestones in our life, the McCartney family hit a pretty huge one last week.  Our youngest, Mallory, started middle school and our oldest, Macy, started high school.  That's right, one started middle school and one started high school.  I mean seriously, could there be a bigger, more monumental transition going on in our household right now???  We have 2 teenage girls, both with all the drama, craziness, loudness, and full on EXTREME range of activities.  Don't get me wrong, or take that in a negative way.  All of that busyness is good and positive (most of the time) but that doesn't mean that it isn't exhausting too!  The first week of school has brought us volleyball tryouts, tests, projects due, memorizing the Spanish alphabet, basketball parent meeting, buying school supplies (can I just say it is hard to find the right colors of folders with holes punched!), ordering books for English class, first church youth group night, and all the usual things like getting backpacks and school lunches ready for the next day.  I'm exhausted just thinking about all of it again as I type!

And as exhausting as it can all be on any given day, I am also thankful as I think back on the past week.  As crazy and busy as this season of life is, and just when I think I have had as much as I can take of the EXTREME high and excitement and the EXTREME low and despair in ONE DAY PEOPLE ... I think about how grateful I am that we get to live out this stage of life to the fullest with our girls.  And believe me, we live it to the fullest.  The McCartney girls have never been known for anything less.  We have girls that want to do it all and with that comes a range of emotions in the biggest way that can run the gamut within a few seconds.

So moms of teens and preteens ... love on those babies.  Yes, babies.  Because as grown up as they like to appear, they are still little ones trying to figure things out in this great big world.  And they need us, and we need them.  Because in just a short little while, they will be off and what will they remember most?  That we loved them well.

First Day of School 2007

Macy - 2nd Grade

Mallory - Kindergarten