My favorite time of the day is just as sunset is ending in the evening. There is a calm, stillness that takes over and the day asks you to take a deep breath and exhale slowly as it comes to an end. The time is short as the evening moves into night and darkness begins to fall. And on some nights, this becomes the darkest shade of blue.
About 3 years ago this spring, I experienced the darkest shade of blue I had ever known. Blue the shade of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness, and emptiness. Blue, the dark shade of depression. My story of depression may be a little bit different than most. I did not have a tragic experience, or the death of a close loved one, or even a difficult upbringing. In fact, I had quite the opposite. I was raised in a christian home, experienced a good childhood and teen years, married my college sweetheart and had two beautiful daughters. Life was good. MY life was good. But what I have come to know is that depression does not discriminate.
I had fought the "winter blues" off and on through the years. But I had always entered spring with an excitement and happiness that winter was over and the warmer weather was here! Three years ago was a different story for me. I could not snap out of it. I kept thinking things would get better but I slipped further and further into a deep hole of depression. I wanted desperately to climb out and feel like myself again. The weeks began to really change for me as we headed into spring. I could not stop the tears, which was so uncharacteristic of me. I did not want to go to places where I would be forced to see people, much less talk to them. I began to isolate myself and I could not wait until I could get back home and into my bed. As things deteriorated for me, I kept most of it to myself. Not many people knew I was struggling and hardly anyone knew how bad it had really become.
By the end of spring, I knew I needed additional help. I visited with my pastor, consulted a doctor and then a counselor. These were all good steps and the right steps, but it was going to take some time, there wasn't just an easy fix. Getting help, healing, growing and beginning to move forward is work. It is HARD work and nobody can do it for you. I was at a point where I needed to scale everything down in my life. This took a lot of thought and a lot of prayer but I really believe it was a key in becoming healthy again. So I resigned from my job. Let me rephrase that ... I resigned from the perfect job for me. I worked at a place that was wonderful, with people I loved, doing what I loved to do. But I had become unable to function at work and it wasn't fair to anyone. So I took a BIG step of faith and walked away. I felt a complete peace from the moment I made that decision and I have never second guessed it. It was hard, but it was right.
The next year consisted of going to counseling on a weekly basis, seeing my doctor regularly and getting back to the basics. The basics for me were things like; laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, daily prayer time and being present with my children and husband when we were together. I had to start over in many ways and learn how to get through a regular day. It wasn't easy, and there were definitely setbacks, but there were also slow, steady steps forward. One day at a time.
If you have gone through a deep depression then you know that it changes you. It changes just about every part of you. For me, it changed my career, my day to day routine, the person I felt like I had been all my life, my personality and finally my friendships and relationships. I remember saying several times that I wish I had a broken bone or something physically wrong that people could see so they would know there was something broken in me. It is very difficult for people to know what to say, what to do, how to help and how to walk through the storm of depression alongside you. Just about all of my friendships and relationships changed and at the time, I did not have the emotional capacity to do anything about it. By the grace of God, my marriage stayed stable. That college sweetheart I married is solid, being the spouse of someone who hits this place of depression is so very hard too.
Slowly, I have been able to rebuild, but just within the last year. Depression is always something I will need to be mindful of, staying aware of my limits and boundaries. In many ways I have had to start all over. I know that there are still challenges ahead, things are not like they used to be for me and there is a grieving that takes place over that part of life. Things are different. I am different. Depression takes hold of so many parts of your inner most self and shuffles it all around. I am putting the pieces back together again, but this time, the finished product will look a little different.
I really do love that time of the evening just after sunset when the calmness and stillness set in just before night. And yes, sometimes there are still moments when the darkness surrounds me as night falls and I see that darkest shade of blue again. But I have a hope and the sweetest promise that I cling to ... His mercies are new every morning ... and a new day begins ...
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)
