My favorite time of the day is just as sunset is ending in the evening. There is a calm, stillness that takes over and the day asks you to take a deep breath and exhale slowly as it comes to an end. The time is short as the evening moves into night and darkness begins to fall. And on some nights, this becomes the darkest shade of blue.
About 3 years ago this spring, I experienced the darkest shade of blue I had ever known. Blue the shade of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness, and emptiness. Blue, the dark shade of depression. My story of depression may be a little bit different than most. I did not have a tragic experience, or the death of a close loved one, or even a difficult upbringing. In fact, I had quite the opposite. I was raised in a christian home, experienced a good childhood and teen years, married my college sweetheart and had two beautiful daughters. Life was good. MY life was good. But what I have come to know is that depression does not discriminate.
I had fought the "winter blues" off and on through the years. But I had always entered spring with an excitement and happiness that winter was over and the warmer weather was here! Three years ago was a different story for me. I could not snap out of it. I kept thinking things would get better but I slipped further and further into a deep hole of depression. I wanted desperately to climb out and feel like myself again. The weeks began to really change for me as we headed into spring. I could not stop the tears, which was so uncharacteristic of me. I did not want to go to places where I would be forced to see people, much less talk to them. I began to isolate myself and I could not wait until I could get back home and into my bed. As things deteriorated for me, I kept most of it to myself. Not many people knew I was struggling and hardly anyone knew how bad it had really become.
By the end of spring, I knew I needed additional help. I visited with my pastor, consulted a doctor and then a counselor. These were all good steps and the right steps, but it was going to take some time, there wasn't just an easy fix. Getting help, healing, growing and beginning to move forward is work. It is HARD work and nobody can do it for you. I was at a point where I needed to scale everything down in my life. This took a lot of thought and a lot of prayer but I really believe it was a key in becoming healthy again. So I resigned from my job. Let me rephrase that ... I resigned from the perfect job for me. I worked at a place that was wonderful, with people I loved, doing what I loved to do. But I had become unable to function at work and it wasn't fair to anyone. So I took a BIG step of faith and walked away. I felt a complete peace from the moment I made that decision and I have never second guessed it. It was hard, but it was right.
The next year consisted of going to counseling on a weekly basis, seeing my doctor regularly and getting back to the basics. The basics for me were things like; laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, daily prayer time and being present with my children and husband when we were together. I had to start over in many ways and learn how to get through a regular day. It wasn't easy, and there were definitely setbacks, but there were also slow, steady steps forward. One day at a time.
If you have gone through a deep depression then you know that it changes you. It changes just about every part of you. For me, it changed my career, my day to day routine, the person I felt like I had been all my life, my personality and finally my friendships and relationships. I remember saying several times that I wish I had a broken bone or something physically wrong that people could see so they would know there was something broken in me. It is very difficult for people to know what to say, what to do, how to help and how to walk through the storm of depression alongside you. Just about all of my friendships and relationships changed and at the time, I did not have the emotional capacity to do anything about it. By the grace of God, my marriage stayed stable. That college sweetheart I married is solid, being the spouse of someone who hits this place of depression is so very hard too.
Slowly, I have been able to rebuild, but just within the last year. Depression is always something I will need to be mindful of, staying aware of my limits and boundaries. In many ways I have had to start all over. I know that there are still challenges ahead, things are not like they used to be for me and there is a grieving that takes place over that part of life. Things are different. I am different. Depression takes hold of so many parts of your inner most self and shuffles it all around. I am putting the pieces back together again, but this time, the finished product will look a little different.
I really do love that time of the evening just after sunset when the calmness and stillness set in just before night. And yes, sometimes there are still moments when the darkness surrounds me as night falls and I see that darkest shade of blue again. But I have a hope and the sweetest promise that I cling to ... His mercies are new every morning ... and a new day begins ...
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)
Last night as we were eating dinner around the table together, we were having a conversation about technology/social media, etc. and how this effects our family. This isn't a new conversation for the four of us to have. In fact we have it quite frequently, probably due to the age of our girls now and how everyone (adults included) are on their phones all the time. Not too long ago, our church had a series of sermons about this ... Disconnect to Connect. It has become the catch phrase around our house and we all use it with each other to keep us in check about being present in the moment. We do relatively well I think. We have made adjustments the past few months and some agreements with each other about being on our phones. None of this is anything new and probably not anything new to those of you who are reading. One of the biggest issues American families now deal with is how to use technology in a healthy way and allow it to be a part of our lives but not control our lives. It is a difficult task, parenting our children and teens on technology and social media! Another huge issue for families currently is the pace of life we keep. We are busy people! Most of the time for our family, the activities we are involved in are good things, positive things and things that we are choosing to do. Several years ago, Marc and I made the decision to not do everything or allow our girls to do everything they wanted to do. We have been those parents, saying no to an extra club team or practice, no to going out to eat again during the week, no to even some church activities because we have tried to protect some of our family time. And even with saying no to things ... we are still busy, busy, busy!!! But back to last night at dinner ...
Then Marc said, "I can count up the number of weekends that the four of us have until Macy goes to college and I don't want any of us to regret the way we spent our time." Before I knew it, each one of us had tears welling in our eyes and starting to stream down our faces. We have always talked about college a lot in our house. We have even referenced that Macy has four more years and Mallory has six more years until they can go to college. And no one has ever been sad about it. But I think saying something that is a little more tangible to them, like counting our weekends, for some reason hit home with all of us. We have bonded the past few weeks with the transitions to middle school and high school and relied on each other more and spent even more quality time together. And I am thankful for that. It hasn't been the smoothest of transitions for our little family, in fact some of it has been pretty difficult, but we are all in it together.
We aren't harboring or hung up on the fact that our family time will greatly shift in a few years, but we are mindful of it. And I think there is value in that. Do you know what time it is for your family or have you lost track? Time is a gift. And when it's time to move on to the next chapter then we will make that shift and move forward. But until then, we know what time it is at our house ... time to be together.
I've thought about writing a blog several times before ... when we had our babies, when we went to Disneyland, when we moved to a new house, and on and on. And although those are all big events and milestones in our life, the McCartney family hit a pretty huge one last week. Our youngest, Mallory, started middle school and our oldest, Macy, started high school. That's right, one started middle school and one started high school. I mean seriously, could there be a bigger, more monumental transition going on in our household right now??? We have 2 teenage girls, both with all the drama, craziness, loudness, and full on EXTREME range of activities. Don't get me wrong, or take that in a negative way. All of that busyness is good and positive (most of the time) but that doesn't mean that it isn't exhausting too! The first week of school has brought us volleyball tryouts, tests, projects due, memorizing the Spanish alphabet, basketball parent meeting, buying school supplies (can I just say it is hard to find the right colors of folders with holes punched!), ordering books for English class, first church youth group night, and all the usual things like getting backpacks and school lunches ready for the next day. I'm exhausted just thinking about all of it again as I type!
And as exhausting as it can all be on any given day, I am also thankful as I think back on the past week. As crazy and busy as this season of life is, and just when I think I have had as much as I can take of the EXTREME high and excitement and the EXTREME low and despair in ONE DAY PEOPLE ... I think about how grateful I am that we get to live out this stage of life to the fullest with our girls. And believe me, we live it to the fullest. The McCartney girls have never been known for anything less. We have girls that want to do it all and with that comes a range of emotions in the biggest way that can run the gamut within a few seconds.
So moms of teens and preteens ... love on those babies. Yes, babies. Because as grown up as they like to appear, they are still little ones trying to figure things out in this great big world. And they need us, and we need them. Because in just a short little while, they will be off and what will they remember most? That we loved them well.
First Day of School 2007
Macy - 2nd Grade
Mallory - Kindergarten
